for thinner wrists.

for thinner fingers.

for arms with less fat, more muscle.

to be comfortable in sleeveless shirts and tank tops.

for smaller boobs. much smaller boobs.

to loose my fat butt.

to fit into my favorite skinny jeans.

to wear little boy’s t-shirts.

to wear shorts in the summer.

to be comfortable in a swim suit.

to be comfortable naked.

for the feeling ill get when i look in the mirror.

for the feeling ill get when i look at people bigger than me.

to feel in control.

to be envied.

to look better.

to feel better.

i used to not eat anything until dinner. i want to get back to that.

monday:
b: nothing.
l: apple, cherrios
d: ?
e: run during lunch.

tuesday:
b: nothing
l: granola bar, carrots
d: ?
e: i have gym, so whatever we do in gym.

wednesday: 
b: banana
l: cherrios or granola bar
d: ? 
e: run during lunch. 

thursday:
b: nothing
l: apple
d: ?
e: whatever we do in gym. 

friday:
b: chocolate milk
l: apple 
d: ?
e: run during lunch.

i HAVE to stick with this.

thanks for following me guys

breakfast: 
two eggs
biscuit with gravy
hasbrowns with cheese, onions, mushrooms, ketchup

lunch: 
doritos
biscut with butter
4 cookies

dinner:
3 drinks of girlfriend’s pink lemonade

im remembering how i used to be when id hardly eat. my breakfast today was more than i would eat in a whole day. i dont know what the fuck i was thinking when i got home today and started shoving food in my mouth for lunch. i went upstaris and threw up. stupid me. i used the sink. whenever i would throw up at my apartment id use the sink but i knew our water system was kick ass. in my new house the water sucks and for some dumb reason i thought it would okay

breakfast: 
two eggs
biscuit with gravy
hasbrowns with cheese, onions, mushrooms, ketchup

lunch: 
doritos
biscut with butter
4 cookies

dinner:
3 drinks of girlfriend’s pink lemonade

im remembering how i used to be when id hardly eat. my breakfast today was more than i would eat in a whole day. i dont know what the fuck i was thinking when i got home today and started shoving food in my mouth for lunch. i went upstaris and threw up. stupid me. i used the sink. whenever i would throw up at my apartment id use the sink but i knew our water system was kick ass. in my new house the water sucks and for some dumb reason i thought it would okay to use the sink. i wasnt going to use the toilet, ive never had to stoop to that level so to day. when i stuck my toothbrush down my throat and started gagging it was wonderful. i missed that feeling. it was familiar and my body just felt good. i didnt eat anything for dinner, if i did i probably would be crying right now.

i miss the days when i could see my ribs without stretching my arms back behind me.
i miss the days i would run miles without stopping.
i miss the days when my stomach was flat.
i miss the days when i was hungry for hours.
i miss the days when i had longer hair and could fit my size 0 jeans and be comfortable.
i miss the days when my arms had visible muscle.


im happy now, no doubt, and i was happy then. when i look in the mirror now im not happy. and i wasn’t then. i wasn’t anywhere near happy with my body. i know if i kept up with it i could be happy now, but i let myself fall back into eating normally and i need to go back to what i did before. im starting gym tomorrow so i can start running again and ill eat way less now that schools back in.